-
Notifications
You must be signed in to change notification settings - Fork 0
/
Copy pathLexibook Arcade Centre Ashens [INCOMPLETE].txt
68 lines (67 loc) · 10.8 KB
/
Lexibook Arcade Centre Ashens [INCOMPLETE].txt
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
[throws Lexibook Arcade Centre on the sofa]
Lexibook Arcade Centre. There we are. No messing around for this one.You may recall some Spider Man tat I reviewed. And if you were watching some other worthless garbage, like your child's first steps or something, there was one of these in there, but it was Spider Man flavoured, and it had Spider Man games on, but unfortunately, it blew up before I could show you any of them.
"All the great video game classics in one console!" I bet you can count all the great video game classics in this console on Captain Hook's bad hand.
It's green and black, just like the Xbox used to be. They've got something they jokingly call a joypad, which has a sort of weird jewel in it, and it's horrible. You can depress the whole thing. And that's pretty much the whole lot really. Hasn't even got a headphone socket, which is a rarity for these kinds of things. It's got a hole for a lanyard though, whoop dee freaking doodle.
Well, all that remains is point out that it takes three AAA batteries and to turn it on. No, we're in! Lexibook. Thanks, Lexibook, I thought you were educational. This will probably teach people to not buy cheap things. So, 30 in 1 games. Mr. Runner, Mr. Mosquito, Mr. Win or Lose, Mr. Hamster Fighter, Mr. Gear Race, and Mystic Totem. Mr. Mystic Totem, I don't know. Let's can that joke.
Oh, it has Fruit Killer AND War of Mummy! Some of my favourite games. You know what? Sod it, let's go through the whole lot, starting with:
* Mr.Runner 3:01
* Oh, man, he's running alright. Oh, the game doesn't start till you jump! Ahh! Clever. Like a sort of weird interactive title screen. He is sick a lot. There's a lot of vomiting going on with this poor chap. Oh, didn't press B quick enough, game over, you ran 422 meters, your death will not be avenged.
* MR.Mosquito 3:51
* Oh, I see. They all put on gas masks except one, and you have to catch it by moving the freakish hand around. Oh, no! My left thumb has suddenly been possessed by the Devil himself, who has reset the game. Man, that was tedious.
* Win or Lose 4:28
* Well, yeah, that's pretty much what happens in most games. Is this like a cross of Zuma and Arkanoid for escaped mental patients? Why does the bat look like a sort of corroded battery? I have no idea. All I know is that it's the greatest game ever made.
* Mystic Totem 4:58
* Oh, I get it, it's Towers of Hanoi, look! Shut up, tweety bird with mutant eyes! Well, it's Towers of Hanoi, you know what that is. Sorry, Mystic Totem. Wouldn't want you to get confused there.
* Gear Race 5:41
* That's where you race to get some drugs. Well, this appears to be a racing game that scrolls sideways. Okay, I take that back, it clearly goes vertically. What's that horrible droning noise? It's like a sort of supremely dull version of Spy Hunter. It's like you're stuck in a car with somebody going "aaahh, aaahh, aaahh", just to point out how dull this is. Can you crush people off to the side and destroy them? Yes. That's the simple answer to that.
* Hamster Fighter 6:36
* Those bloody hamsters, they've had it coming. Oh, it's Whack a Mole. These are not hamsters, they're birds! Oh, and do you smash up their babies, as well? Why is it called Hamster when there are clearly no hamsters in it? These are only Angry Birds rip-offs. Why have I pressed "reset"? Oh, yeah, 'cause it was crap.
* Money Go! 7:11
* Yep, that's pretty much what happens to all of us, pretty much. I know that feeling. There's a bloke with a lot of inertia, who skids around left and right, trying to catch money. This is not how jobs work, people, what are we teaching the children? Now, that character, isn't that the quiz master from those old Buzz! games on PlayStation 2? Whatever it is, they haven't bothered cutting him out very well in Photoshop.
* VS.FootBall 7:54
* Man vs. Football. It's like Man from Man vs. Food but he just eats footballs. All the excitement of football, or soccer, or tedious ball twanging game.
* Closed Shell 8:35
* Obviously the sequel to Open Shell. Go on, then. Oh, it's Lights Out. Press one of the things and the ones around it go up or down with it. I think I know what we're doing here. Answer: passing, in every sense. Now...
* Take a Smile 8:57
* Huh? This is going to be a creepy one. This is like Pokémon Snap for people with no imagination. There really is nothing else to it, is there? These are all just the shell of a game, and you actually get more in your mobile phone.
* Fruit Killer 9:42
* This is like somebody heard "Oh! There's a game out there called Fruit Ninja, and we must copy it!" but has never seen the game. This is sucking all sorts of arse, it really is.
* War Of Mummy 10:19
* Okay, now we're talking! Okay, somebody's seen Plants vs. Zombies. Is that from the Little Mermaid, Under The Sea? Why the Under The Sea music? Yay! I've hit him and he's lost a tiny sliver of health. Sorry, the music's been getting in my head. A match of this must last a bloody decade! Your children will have grown up and left home by then! ...Or the batteries will run out, one of the two.
* Happy Farm 11:33
* Oh, I've pushed the rabbit into a diabetic coma, which results in an immediate loss. Oh, yeah! We've fed the rabbits with our weird torpedo carrot.
* Morra 12:21
* To-Morra? Bloody hell!!! What are we teaching the children here, folks? Lexibook, what happened to you? I wanna see what happens, do they kill each other? Smacking each other with a mallet while playing bloody, umm, Rock/Paper/Scissors is not on. And he has a PK meter at the top, so he can detect ghosts. Who's gonna win? Who's gonna care?
* Puzzle Pop 13:27
* Ah, this looks like a proper game. Something like Columns or similar. No, it's a bit simpler than that. Slightly dull, I imagine.
* Baby Arms 13:47
* Oh, I'm on the right. There's literally, like, a baby. That's a strange game. Why are you a baby? And why is it called Baby Arms? I wish they were armed with guns, but it just makes you think you've got weird arms.
* Ghost Buster 14:26
* I've got, like, a vined thing. Oh, and it's exploded. I've picked the wrong one. Well, that was exciting, and reminds me exactly of the Ghostbusters movie.
* Sea War 14:45
* Bloody hell! Well, I'm guessing in this game you have a submarine and you shoot downwards. If anybody wishes to correct that, be sure to leave a comment.
* Hide And Seek 14:57
* Oh, here we are. Follow the sheep! In the haystack. Well, I followed it, and it's there. I don't know where the haystack just went. Immediate haystack removal, that would be a useful farm service. That was technically a game you could play.
* Bounce 15:20
* Oh, my God. A four-way weird grid runner-ish version of Arkanoid. Oh, man, that's really difficult, actually. Go! Go...! Oh, bloody hell! Except all you've got to do is tap left or right and your candy cane bats shoot right the way across the screen, making it almost impossible. Argh. Death to all concerned.
* Yakyuuken 15:45
* It's somebody being very rude to me. Strange. Like Dance Dance something or other. What? Oh, bloody hell!!! It's rock/paper/scissors again, and again, with immense violence! You lose, ah, fuck you, screw you, you little weird shaved head freak! Oh, come on, then. What happened? Man, I want to win and I want to see you die. Urgh. He's kicked me in the face, mum! Right. We're gonna get to the end of this, to see what horrendous violence takes place right in the end. You lose, hmm, right. Oi! Bloody...he's a violent little sod, ain't he? I wanna go for the question mark at the bottom, which presumably picks one at random, therefore making the whole thing completely worthless. I like the idea you can play this on random, actually, 'cause it does take away any game to it at all. Ah! Take that! Now you've got a flower growing on your head, that'll teach you! Oh, dear. Go on, then. Are we actually losing the energy at the top? I can't really tell. Why is he so amused by a draw? Ahh, come on, get on with it. Oh, he's getting there. There's less red and more blue. Oh. You lose, game over, though it looks a bit like we're plummeting off the top of a building. That was a strange thing. Rock/paper/scissors, again? Really? Right.
* Bingo Zap 17:14
* That's where you get some old ladies who are playing a mild game and electrocute them. Ready? Never. I don't know what we're doing. Come on, then. What the bloody hell? Oh. Oh. Oh, my God, they really are copying mobile phone games! There's no accelerometer, so I've got to use the left and right controls to move the ball, which slides around strangely, into the glowy hole. Like sex with an alien. Right, enough of that.
* Juggle 17:38
* Ready? Go. To move the right hand, move left and right. Move it at the right time, he juggles the ball. He is history's greatest hero. What happens when he drops it? Let's find out. He doesn't react at all. He appears to have an infinite amount of balls, dropped by his mate in a Zeppelin.
* Bird Hunter 18:15
* Yeah! Let's teach kids to kill some more animals! Except it's actually that thing from WarioWare, look. I think it's called Pyopyo. Laser tongue! Eat tongue, hell hound. Can I reset now? Yes, I can, and...relax. Right...
* Spring Bros. 18:47
* Oh, my God, they jerk left and right actually like a Game & Watch. So, "Trampoline Bros." would be more accurate. Oh, no, they've dropped a fruit, and now they must run, before the police destroy them and their families.
* Move It 19:08
* Oh, it's Towers of Hanoi again. That's nice, 'cause, you know, we didn't have a bloody identical game earlier, it's just that this one is a bit clearer. Well, thanks for that.
* Smart Frog 19:17
* I see. Hang on, you can only go to adjacent ones? That makes it impossible. Oh. He can only go to adjacent ones, but he can jump as far as he wants. Then you pass the level, and get to do it again, and wonder what went wrong with your life, and no matter how high you jump, you can never reach the sky.
* Kitchen War 19:58
* We've got a sub-Chef Excellence character that you have to repeatedly conk on the head. There are no controls, everything you press just causes him to throw, and you have to time it right. Oh, and he does a Homer Simpson impression when you hit him in the face with a can! Why is he such a '70s looking man? And he makes creepy noises. This is really strange. How come I can't hit him any more? This is really strange. That is not what we would call "an excellent game". What the flipping heck?
* Hard Win 20:55
* The sequel to Die Hard. Oh, it's one of these things. Direct the spots to the correctly coloured pots. Occasionally you'll have fun. No, wait, I'm lying. I have tainted it! And the world's ink supply is forever ruined. Right, let's finish up with...
* Bubble Master 21:17
* Stick Man has returned. Oh, this is like Pang, only...the same. That's a really creepy noise. Do that again. Do it again.
I think that just about sums it up, doesn't it? Ugh. Need to wash my hands with a scouring pad. Well, that's that, that's the Lexibook Arcade Centre. Way to go, Lexibook!