Mystery Hotel Room Review Ashens.txt

Due to an annoying technical mishap, I've been unable to bring you this week's mid-week video as wanted, and so I thought I would review my hotel room for you, since I'm filming on location. Are you ready? Let's have a look at this wonderland.
First up, here's the wardrobe. You'll notice the door doesn't close, which is quite irritating. Inside, there are hangers on which to put your clothes, and some dodgy-looking blankets at the bottom, which I haven't frankly delved near, because thankfully it hasn't been that cold.
Also, here's a weird bit of metal that's been strapped to the wall to badly repair where it's been damaged.
Here's the tea and coffee making facilities, together with UHT Whole Milk, which is more like water that somebody has spat in, which is why coffee made in a hotel is generally quite horrible. I have not used the kettle at all; there's a good reason for that that I'll show you at the end.
Anyway, what else have we got? There's a big old mirror, with one of those sorts of neon lights at the top, I think that actually does work. I haven't pressed this switch, so actually I am assuming. The switch which is wonderfully, totally on the wonk, but yeah, it does light up. That's amazing. In fact it's one of the very few fixtures and fittings in this room which isn't completely broken, by the looks of it.
Here's the free screw, which you...have in a wall for spare purposes.
Safety first at the plug sockets, of course: the bottom is all broken away, so that's wonderful.
Here's the card you use to open the door on the way in. It works about one time in sixty, and I keep having to go back every fucking day to the reception, and asking them to re-do it. And it still doesn't work properly, I think it's the card itself, but they won't damn well replace it.
Here is some milk-flavoured chews which I've never heard of, but I spotted in the shop opposite the hotel and they're really nice, in fact I think I may now be chemically addicted.
What else have we got? There's some space down there, which won't show up on the camera because it's too dark.
Here's the drawers. They are of course broken, but I can fix it, so it at least looks pretty, so that's something.
Ah. Over here there's a radiator, which you can't control on or off or control the temperature, because that bit is broken.
Over here are some drawers...broken.
There's some white stuff on the floor, I don't want to know what that is.
Now, this is fascinating. Near the bed you've got what seems to be some sort of combination radio and clock from 1981. The clock is totally and irredeemably broken, the radio does technically work, but you have to either jam a coin into it or push really hard onto the volume thing, to get it up and down. (Ow, that hurt.)
There is the picture, always present in hotel rooms as a generic picture, usually of flowers. This one is quite heavily broken. Um, it's fallen out of the frame, it's fallen off the wall, and there's some kind of weird stain on it.
This corner is where they keep the fluff, which is useful if you forgot to bring your own fluff and filth.
Um, there's no light in the bed, or around the bed, and you can't control the main room light from the bed at all. All you've got is this thing over the top, a sort of bizarre filthy Spider-Man web thing, which is of course leading to...a totally broken thing up here, which is just sort of dirty and horrible and I don't really know what's going on up there frankly, and it's making me a bit ill looking at it.
Bed? Bed's all right, thank goodness, and it's fairly clean, so that's quite good, you don't feel like you're sleeping in a load of filth or something.
I apologise that you can't see much of the room at any one time, but it's so small, there's almost no way to walk around it, and as a result I can't get you in any kind of establishing shot. There, that's probably the best we're going to do.
The bathroom's quite good, thank of the lords. You've got taps and plugs, and they all work.
There's the bin. Oddly there's not a bin in the room, there's only one in the bathroom, which is very strange.
You've got that dodgy toilet paper cheap hotels always have, you've got a...flux capacitor?...that's been badly painted over. No idea.
Towels.
Incredibly small bath, which you would only sensibly use to bathe a medium-sized dog.
Shower is of course extremely broken: I mean, this bit's come away which is only cosmetic, but far less cosmetic is what's going on here. Yeah. Basically, I did try and put some water through it and it flew everywhere, so I've been bathing myself in an incredibly tiny bath, but other than that, it's not too bad.
Well, all right, that bit's not great. But as long as you ignore that bit, it's not too bad. ...As long as you also ignore that bit. Anyway...we're going to ignore those and say it's not too bad. Notice a pattern emerging.
Well, that's about it, I think. As you can tell, this isn't the most marvellous hotel room in the world, in fact, frankly, it's a bit shitty, and might actually be the worst hotel room I've ever stayed in, that really is saying something.
Now, would you like to know why I haven't used the kettle, everybody? That's because upon entering I was greeted with this.
...
Obviously, this hotel is a notorious black spot for kettle fuckers.
...Ah well, at least you can always enjoy the view through the bars of your window.