Nobody Likes Amy Schumer.txt

People don't always see eye to eye with each other. Everyone has their own set of opinions and beliefs, and historically, humans have fought each other over this difference. Now, while we may be divided by land, or belief, there's one thing that unites all of us, something buried deep inside the human DNA that makes us all on the same page, and that's our extreme dislike for Amy Schumer. God bless. Amy Schumer is like the common evil that unites the world. It's like in that anime Code Geass, where Lelouch becomes the ultimate evil that the entire world rallies against, and then, by the end of it, it brings everyone closer together. That's Amy Schumer, but in reality. Whenever she's present at like an award show or something, the entire Internet - nay, the entire human race - gets together and says "we just don't like her". She reminds us that we're not so different from each other after all. So why am I talking about Amy Schumer today? Well, it's because she was at the Oscars recently, and decided to make the entire thing about her, about how she's now traumatized because of the Will Smith slap on Chris Rock. And I'm sure a lot of you are tired of hearing about this, but she just keeps fucking going. And it's making me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to puke and shit.
This is, of course, a very stupid statement, and just performative, to put her name back in the news, about how now she's a victim, somehow. I don't think there's any world where Amy Schumer is right now sleeping with one eye open, just fearful that Will Smith, the boogeyman, is going to rappel through her window and slap her while she's asleep. But I'm going to set aside this stupid statement for a minute to talk about what really got my ass all grinded up, which is what she came forward with today. She bravely stepped foot in the Thunderdome today to reveal the jokes that were too edgy for TV, her side-splitting comedy that was just too intense, and she had to cut them from her monologue. Just like Voldemort's name, she wasn't allowed to speak of these things, but she decided to tell one of these super stinkers anyway, which is horrible news for anyone with ears: "Don't Look Up is the name of a movie? More like Don't Look Down the barrel of Alec Baldwin's shotgun".
It's incredible, how she can't even accidentally almost say something entertaining. And this probably isn't even her own joke. She has a history of stealing jokes. She probably just saw this shit on Twitter and it had like a hundred likes, so she said "it's mine now". It's still fucking stupid. None of it makes sense. Alec Baldwin wasn't even in Don't Look Up. The joke doesn't work. I don't care that it's edgy, edgy jokes are fine, it's just this is so poorly done from top to bottom. Alec Baldwin is not in that movie, so it doesn't even make sense. It'd be like me saying: Moonfall? More like Poonfall, because Amy Schumer's talking about her vagina again. It's just dogshit. Sex in the City? More like Amy, Stop Having Sex with the Whole City, we're tired of seeing you on stage. Or He-Man? More like Help Me Man, I just had to listen to Amy Schumer tell another fucking awful joke and now I'm in need of medical assistance. I don't know why she would think it was a good idea to tell this joke, after everyone told her not to tell in the first place. They gave her a gift of shutting her up. Like, she didn't have to tell this joke. They were like "we're not allowing you to say it, we're putting the kibosh on it now, we're doing you a favor". and then she slaps them, and all of us, by telling this joke anyway. This whole situation is like if Amy and her friend were on like a walk, and they approached this cliff, and Amy didn't see it but her friend did, so her friend reaches out to stop her from falling off the cliff, literally saving her life, but then Amy Schumer just blasts her hand away, saying "don't tell me what to do, I'll walk where I want to walk" and then throws herself off the cliff.
She then gave us a sneak peek at some other gut busters we missed from her here, some more of her comedic stylings. She said that she was also going to take aim at Joe Rogan and James Franco, but wasn't allowed to say any of that, "but you can just come up and slap someone". ...That statement doesn't even make sense either, Amy! No one invited Will Smith to go up there and slap the shit out of Chris Rock. The man went up there and slapped the taste out of his mouth off script. The man had a full-blown Winter Soldier episode. It wasn't planned. You had a script that you were getting approved, and everyone said "these jokes just fucking suck, don't tell them". It's not the same. She's always so incredibly desperate to put herself at the center of everything that ever happens, even when it doesn't make sense or even involve her in the slightest. She had a golden opportunity just to say nothing, and everyone would have forgotten her miserable presence at the Oscars, but she just had to tell this awful joke and remind everyone why she was universally disliked as one of the worst comedians of our time. The only reason she ever even made it into the industry in the first place, is because of getting a lucky spawn in life: she was born into a really rich and powerful family, and through leveraging those connections, she was able to make it to the big time.
And it's one of the saddest stories in all of entertainment, but anyway, back to how traumatized Amy Schumer was from the slap: she said she's going to need some time off to process it. And I think I speak for everyone in the world when I say: Amy, you take as much time as you need. If it's years, if it's forever even, God damn it. You take that time until you feel better about what happened. We will all understand, no matter how long it takes - no, it should take a very long time to recover from something like that. So, wishing you the best in that road to overcoming that experience at the Oscars, having to watch that, and uh, yeah. That's about it. See you.